Ashley Madison Alibis

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The Ashley Madison database has been dumped on the internet, according to Brian Krebs.  http://krebsonsecurity.com/2015/08/was-the-ashley-madison-database-leaked/. In it are contained a list of the service’s customers, people who paid money to have a discreet affair. It is going to be very difficult for these guys to talk their way out of it, but as a public service- here are ten ways to try.

 

1. The Best Friend

“You know, Peter and Linda have been on the outs. Peter had mentioned the site before and I was worried he was going to make a terrible mistake so I signed up to keep tabs on him. I don’t want him to throw away his marriage and lose the joy I have.”

2. The Suspicious Spouse

“You’re just so perfect, and I know I make so many mistakes as a husband. I was worried you might be on there and my insecurity got the better of me.”

3. The Pivot

“So they used to be just a dating site and I tried them out in the early days of the internet before we met. Remember those AOL days, and modems, oh memories …”

4. The Conspiracy

“I have been posting on some political forums. Most of the guys on there found their name on this list. It’s an effort to discredit our cause. This thing goes all the way to the top! I need your support now me than ever!”

5. The Hoax

“There are so many versions of that list, so many random names. I even found your name on one. I can’t believe you fell for it. Did you send money to Nigeria too?”

6. The Patriot

“These hackers are working with ISIS to discredit honest, hardworking Americans. I can’t believe you’re falling for it. Have you forgotten 9/11?”

7. The Author

“I’m doing research for a book about a service like this, where a serial killer uses it to find her victims after being jilted. Serves ’em right- those scum bags.”

8. The Mistreated Employee

“My boss, that sleezebag, told me to sign up so that I could find dates for him without his wife knowing.

9. The Crazy Ex

“Michelle signed me up for the service. She told me that I should look up her profile. She’s just gotten worse since we’ve been married. I almost feel bad for her, if it wasn’t for all the pain she had caused you.”

10. The Affair Affair

“The slogan is Life is Short, have an affair. I thought it was Madison-Ashley, the event planners. I was planning a vow renewal service. You can imagine my embarrassment when I got the first email after signing up. I could bring myself to log back in and cancel.”

Bonus 11. The Truth (In most cases)

“I am deluded enough to think that women on the internet are interested in having sex with me. Obviously, none of them did. You aren’t married to an adulterer, but you are married to an idiot.”

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