Bad Words

I don’t mean swear words. I mean bad words. These words are pissing me off right now.

Feels (As a noun, unforuntately)

“Watching that video of the person hugging the dying kid always gives me the feels.”

A person does not get “The Feels”, they have feelings. It is okay to have feelings, they are natural and come from within. It isn’t like, the chills, or the gout. You have emotions, kiddo. Welcome to humanity.


“Jeff and Joe are so close, it is a total bromance.”

What Jeff and Joe are displaying is called friendship. Unlike romance which is built on infatuation mixed with love, friendship is built on mutual respect and trust. Also, you can’t be a friend with a bro, because a bro cannot be respected. As such, on both parts of the portmanteau, bromance is terrible.


“I wanted to smash, but she’s keeping me in the friend-zone.”

Much like Bromance, this is generally known as friendship. In this case, however, it has an added dose of unrequited affection. You have feelings (not feels) for the person, but they don’t share those feelings for you. Ladies and gentlemen, the implications in this word alone belie any benefit to its existence.


“Your hott lemme smash.”

Saying this to anyone should revoke your license to have sex. You remember how on TV sitcoms they would sit the teenaged son or daughter down and, to synthesized violin, the parental figure would say ” You’ll know when you’re ready for sex.”? Here is a way to know. If you say this you are not ready. I get the feeling that many people only say this ironically, but the problem is that it provides cover for the people who don’t. Just like the plauge of “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all yo clothes.”, if we keep saying it in jest- we still have to keep hearing it in earnest.



Ashley Madison Alibis



The Ashley Madison database has been dumped on the internet, according to Brian Krebs. In it are contained a list of the service’s customers, people who paid money to have a discreet affair. It is going to be very difficult for these guys to talk their way out of it, but as a public service- here are ten ways to try.


1. The Best Friend

“You know, Peter and Linda have been on the outs. Peter had mentioned the site before and I was worried he was going to make a terrible mistake so I signed up to keep tabs on him. I don’t want him to throw away his marriage and lose the joy I have.”

2. The Suspicious Spouse

“You’re just so perfect, and I know I make so many mistakes as a husband. I was worried you might be on there and my insecurity got the better of me.”

3. The Pivot

“So they used to be just a dating site and I tried them out in the early days of the internet before we met. Remember those AOL days, and modems, oh memories …”

4. The Conspiracy

“I have been posting on some political forums. Most of the guys on there found their name on this list. It’s an effort to discredit our cause. This thing goes all the way to the top! I need your support now me than ever!”

5. The Hoax

“There are so many versions of that list, so many random names. I even found your name on one. I can’t believe you fell for it. Did you send money to Nigeria too?”

6. The Patriot

“These hackers are working with ISIS to discredit honest, hardworking Americans. I can’t believe you’re falling for it. Have you forgotten 9/11?”

7. The Author

“I’m doing research for a book about a service like this, where a serial killer uses it to find her victims after being jilted. Serves ’em right- those scum bags.”

8. The Mistreated Employee

“My boss, that sleezebag, told me to sign up so that I could find dates for him without his wife knowing.

9. The Crazy Ex

“Michelle signed me up for the service. She told me that I should look up her profile. She’s just gotten worse since we’ve been married. I almost feel bad for her, if it wasn’t for all the pain she had caused you.”

10. The Affair Affair

“The slogan is Life is Short, have an affair. I thought it was Madison-Ashley, the event planners. I was planning a vow renewal service. You can imagine my embarrassment when I got the first email after signing up. I could bring myself to log back in and cancel.”

Bonus 11. The Truth (In most cases)

“I am deluded enough to think that women on the internet are interested in having sex with me. Obviously, none of them did. You aren’t married to an adulterer, but you are married to an idiot.”

A cup on the T

A cup is taking up a seat on the T. Nobody is upset, they barely notice. They don’t care if there is stuff inside it. If anything, they hope the cup is already emptied, lest something spill over on to them. Its just a discarded cup, and if it mattered to anyone it wouldn’t be on this train. It obviously mattered at some point- but nobody can say when, why, or to whom. Now, its just taking up the seat next to me, and I’m taking up the seat next to it, and we are both going back and forth until we reach the end of the line. I wonder what happens to cups at the end of the line. I’d like to think someone collects them.

Hawaii II Anthem

Cards Against Humanity recently gave a square foot of a private island to customers of their Ten Days or Whatever of Kwanza promotion/spectacle/stunt. They are now asking for an anthem, and I am humbling submitting this original work for consideration.

One Square Foot of Freedom

Out of the mist, rising from the waters,
The future birthplace of our sons and daughters.
One square foot of freedom, and they can’t take that away,
No matter what the legal contracts say!

Plant your flag and take a stand,
In your one square foot of land.
Its the only thing you’ll have the room to do.
Very Small, though she may be,
Our sacred legal entity,
We will call her shores our home- Hawaii 2.

Matchery: The best thing to do with Candyland since throwing away Candyland.

Oops, I accidentally bought Candyland!

My son said he wanted to play a game with me before he went to bed, and because he behaved well that evening I agreed. When he reached for Candyland, I began to remember moments of bad behavior and quickly considered revoking my offer. Before I could put this into words, he drew out only the cards and put the rest aside. He had come up with his own game. Generally when a five year old comes up with something it is terrible. I know you might say this is harsh, but ask a 5 year old to make up a Knock Knock joke. You will understand, and then instantly regret it. That being said, I’d rather a half an hour of incoherent Knock Knock jokes or CalvinBall-esque gameplay than 30 minutes of North American Rules Candyland.

He dealt out a three by three grid and turned it into a matching game. It worked out alright. I tweaked the gameplay a bit and the result was something enjoyable. We played several rounds. He asked me to share the game with the world. Thanks to the Internet, I can fulfill that promise with little to no effort.  The Game is Called “Matchery”.




Candyland Card Deck

Two Players


Shuffle deck and deal out a 4X4 grid, 16 cards total.


Select a player to go first. On a player’s turn he may either try to make a match, or say “No Matches”.

Making A Match

A player turns over two cards for all players to see. If they match, he takes both cards and may restart his turn. If the cards do not match, they are returned to their original positions.

Things that Match and Examples:

  • Doubles Match Doubles (Double Blue Square and Double Red Square)
  • Colors Match Colors (Two single blue squares, or a Single and a Double Blue Square)
  • Picture Cards (A picture card plus any other card including other picture cards.)

Calling “No Matches”

At the beginning of a player’s turn, or after making a match, a player may state “No Matches”. All cards left face down are overturned. If no cards can match each other, then he is awarded all the cards. If a match can be made, the cards are given to his opponent.


When all cards have been taken out of play, the player with the most cards wins.


So that’s it. Some variations you might consider.

  • Play along WITH candyland, moving pieces when you get a match.
  • Allowing people to call more than “No matches”, perhaps “One Match” or “Two Matches”.
  • Larger Grids
  • Multiple Players (Though you’d have to work out how the “No matches” payout would work if the caller didn’t win.)

Enjoy! I’d love to hear what you try out!


Phonebloks Is A Terrible Idea By Every Standard of Terrible.

I like ideas. I love ideas. If you know me, you know I don’t shut up about them. I take them seriously, and hope that the right ideas can change the world.

Enter Phonebloks. Phonebloks is a jawdroppingly terrible idea by a hipcool dude about the biggest problem in the world today, early childhood education in the developing world… wait no. Cell phones. Its about cell phones. Snap together your own cell phone with interchangeable parts.

What makes this so bad?

1) It would cost more. Individual precision machined enclosures? CA-CHing. Ask Lego about tolerances. There is a reason Lego ain’t cheap. Imagine that in metal.

2) Battery life would be God-Awful. Why? Because of the overhead needed to manage the disastrously inefficient  interconnects between devices.

3) It worsens the problem it intended to solve, mainly, it INCREASES WASTE. Right now, Every three years or so, I replace my cell phone. Now I am going to be encouraged to replace bits of my phone constantly. Each of those things have to be shipped to a store, or shipped to my home.

4) Nobody (Less than 20% of people) wants to build their own anything anymore. Apple taught us that. They want it sealed up so they can get on facegramblr and crush their candy bird ninjas. Is he really suggesting a return to the Build-Your-Own-PC days?

5) Compatibility. USB works because it is a simple bus. I think this guy is under the impression that everything can be plug and play. It… can’t. Android already has fragmentation on the software and hardware- now we are going to worsen that because Tristan needs more room for his MP3s?

6) It… won’t work. I’m sorry but I have to say it again. Things have to be arranged a certain way or they won’t work.

I honestly could go on forever, but I know what you’re thinking. You Bastard. You heartless, soulless, stick in the mud. This special boy, this nascent genius has given us mana from heaven and you mock him without a suggestion of your own.

Ok, here is my suggestion.

1) Cloud Processing. Improve the wireless network in this country so that “Heavy Lifting” can be done by severs on the back end. I know it doesn’t look as cool as a lego phone, but it could actually work. Want a faster phone for a week? Pay for more cycles.

2) Cloud Storage. Once your network is back, local phone storage does not even need to be an issue.

3) Better screen materials.

4) Better Batteries. The new ones charge in seconds and last days. Should make this problem completely moot.

5) Sell your old electronics to create a healthy secondary market to reduce the “Cheaper Model” trend (Plastic iPhones, I’m looking at you)

SO, your phone doesn’t go obsolete as fast and you can use it longer. You take care of your phone so when you DO replace it- the old one doesn’t get into a landfill. I know what you are thinking “How will I upgrade my Bluetooth Module” Actually, you weren’t thinking that- nobody is thinking that- which is why this is a stupid idea.



Firework DJ Birthday

Here is a small business development idea for pyrotechnic display companies.

Pitch: You are rich, and your kids know it. You want everyone to celebrate your kids birthday. The kid is too old for a clown, but too young for a “grown up” teenager birthday party. How do you make your party the best one on the block, the party that every kid in his class will remember forever? What One-Percent Kid’s birthday would be complete without his very own Fireworks Display. And, by very own, I mean he gets a big board and can push buttons to launch fireworks. Professionals set up the display, and the Birthday Boy presses labeled buttons to let them rip, including the big red plastic covered “Finale” button. Maybe he wants to launch them to music. Maybe he wants to pretend to be a wizard. Who knows. Kids love being in control of the world around them, parents want to do something memorable and unique.

Income: 2,000 to 5,000 per display depending on how many “shots” the parent buys for junior.


Make sure to have a “Cooldown” timer so he doesn’t just mash all the buttons immediately. Make sure she has an “Ammo” count. Put some work into having a control board made that looks like a big slick retro spaceship looking interface.

Additional Touches?

Film the displays and share them on your website or youtube, ending with the kid smiling and jumping around.

Alternative Plans?

Set up control board, launchers, and a viewing area on your company’s property. Party is hosted there, so parents can save money on having a set up placed in their neighborhood. This would be cheaper for the parents, and allow families with Homeowner association restrictions to participate.

Zombieland Two Trailer Concept

Setting. A built up city surrounded by desert.

Trash blows gently across a city street. The more keen eyed may notice a Twinkie wrapper.

Cut to the horizon. In the distance, a red dot appears as if a mirage. A low whirring can be heard.

Cut back to the city. Zombies slowly turn, dust shaking from them- they have been standing still for some time- but now they are attracted to the noise.

Cut to the horizon The dot is more defined. You can just make out that it is a vehicle before…

SMASH CUT to LOUD ENGINE Camera follows what is now confirmed to be, in fact, a Bright Red Vyrus 987 Motorcycle as it seems to be heading straight into the city. It is driven by a rider in all black leather, save for a red stripe that matches his bike.

Cut back to the city, camera rolls down a street of doors, where zombies stagger out slowly congregating as the engine whir draws ever closer. Cobwebs and trash scatters, again showing how this place had been undisturbed for months.

Cut to overhead view as zombies make their way towards the approaching vehicle. The vehicle turns slowly.

Cut to zombies changing the direction of their shamble, slowly speeding up.

SMASH CUT TO LOUD ENGINE AGAIN and HOLY CRAP. Driver looks over his shoulder to see he is being followed.

Cut back to overhead, the circular path of the bike is grouping the zombies together. The driver circles once more, than bolts into the center of the city.

Cut to Camera on the ground, focused up on a sky scraper. Motorcycle races by and nearly clears the shot as zombies stumble into view- pursing the luxury motorcycle.

Cut to front of the skycraper, Driver parks the bike, revealing that he is wearing some sort of low profile backpack. He begins to limber up.

Cut to to opposite shot, facing away from the driver. Driver is out of focus and continues to stretch as zombie hoard gets closer.

Cut back to driver, looking at his expensive watch, looking back at the zombies. Watch beeps and he runs into the building. Camera stays focused on the door, as zombies begin filling the shot, knocking over the bike as they stumble into the door opened by the driver.

Inside building. Driver is jogging up stairs, passing various satchels and backpacks, all the same red has his bike and suit stripe. They appear clean and bright.

Cut to zombies filling the stairwell.

Cut to roof shot, door flys open as driver jogs to the edge. Carefully he peers over.

He sees more zombies filing in, looks back at the door to the roof. He peers back.

The last few zombies are shuffling inside, they look perhaps slightly older or injured.

Cutting back to the rooftop door, the first zombies stumble through, clawing over each other.

The driver stands on the edge of the rooftop as the zombies finally regain footing and approach.

He unzips a pocket to reveal a pull chord, and jumps from the roof just as the zombies begin to lunge at him.

Zombies fall to their second death as he pulls the rip chord, and a basejumping parachute unfolds, the same color red seen so up until this point.

Close shot of driver now floating, zooming out to reveal the Virgin skyscraper, its logo the same red seen thus far.

From another pocket, the driver pulls a detonator, dramatic music that has been pounding now stops. Whistling wind and the click of a safety cover are heard. Then the driver pushes the button.

Long distance shot, the entire Virgin skyscraper is detonated from the top down, killing all zombies inside. As the shot is focused on the smoke and debris, driver floats by.

Camera now follows the floating driver, showing his destination outside town, where a Virgin-Red target is painted on the ground and a private Virgin aircraft sits.

Drivers feet touch the ground, parachute falls slowly, revealing  the most gorgeous woman you have ever seen in your entire life holding two flutes of freshly poured champagne.

She approaches the driver.

The driver, disconnecting himself from the red parachute removes his helmet, even as it radiantly reflects the high desert sun. His back is turned.

He faces the camera and smiles, as only Richard Branson can. The woman hands him the flute and the step into the plane.

Smash Cut to Logo Frame: Zombie Kill of the Week.

Smash cut to title ZOMBIEWORLD.


Mold? Tarnish? I wonder…


This is why I’m leery about making dice in china.

From an alternate timeline : CJ Bucks!